An Open Letter to Homophobia

I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I happen to be friends with Homophobia. Well, by 'friends' I mean 'acquaintances.' And by 'acquaintances' I mean 'we happen to share the same carpool to work.' Needless to say, I've had a few issues with Homophobia over the years, and I finally built up the courage to get a few things off my chest by writing Homophobia a letter, as follows.

Dear Homophobia,

I've been meaning to write you a letter for quite some time now. I'm going to be frank with you - this isn't a friendly letter to swap recipes or to ask how the kids are doing (speaking of which, your emailed pictures of your 3-year-old son from last Halloween are interesting to, what's the word I'm looking for, nobody).

Rather, I have a bone to pick with you. A rather large, gay-hating bone the size of at least Fred Phelps.

You've had a long illustrious career, Homophobia. You've accomplished more in just one lifetime than most people do in, well, an entire lifetime. You've influenced fake-politicians ranging from Rick Santorum to David Vitter. You've motivated fake-celebrities ranging from Isaiah Washington to Ann Coulter. You've inspired fake-religious leaders ranging from most religious leaders to... that about covers it.

I got it. Great. You've had a long productive career. I'm impressed. Anti Queer-Loving Larry Miller is impressed. We're all impressed.

But now it's time for you to retire.

I don't want to get all John Cusack on you and start sounding desperate (which I realize sounds redundant), but your services are no longer needed. I'm not exactly sure what you're trying to prove anymore, Homophobia, with your lets-see-how-many-people-I-can-get-to-hate-gay-men-and-women, but the act is starting to become more tiresome than Meg Foster in 'Cagney & Lacey.'

I know you honestly feel that you're a good person and that because of you, other Traditional Conservative Ideals may be preserved, such as 'encouraging family values,' 'building a Christian-based society,' and 'beating the crap out of that queer in gym class.' But Homophobia my dear friend, you do realize that other despots - and far be it for me to not accuse you of being a despot - also believed they were good people, bettering society for all. People such as Adolf Hitler. Benito Mussolini. Joseph Stalin. Donald Trump.

Which isn't to say that six seasons of 'The Apprentice' is as tragic as the systematic homicide of six million Jews. But it's a close second.

Perhaps you think that you don't really play that big of a deal in society. Perhaps you believe that the opinions of those you influence don't really matter in the societal dialogue. Perhaps you also think that abortions should be legal, after a 10-month waiting period. As it turns out, fear of gay men and women are a big deal in society - are you aware that because of your detrimental effect, approximately 20% of all hate crimes committed in the United States are directed at gay men and women? Are you aware that because of you, homosexual youth are two to three times more likely to attempt suicide than their peers? Are you aware that because of you, homosexual men and women still receive the death penalty in Iran, Mauritania, Nigeria, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, Sudan, United Arab Emirates, Yemen, and in some parts of Kansas? Are you aware that because of you, 'Brokeback Mountain 2: Jack's Revenge' is never going to happen?

You may try to neutralize yourself, Homophobia, behind other labels such as heterosexiam, heterocentric, heteronormativity or homonegativity. Regardless of what you choose to call yourself, there's no denying the fact that you are directly responsible for the oppression of homosexual men and women across the world. According to a University of Cincinnati study by psychologist Janet Baker, Homophobia, Anti-Semitism, and Racism are "likely companions." This is whom you keep as companions - Anti-Semitism and Racism? While I haven't met Anti-Semitism or Racism personally, I hear that inviting them over for a dinner party is just slightly more appealing than inviting Ron Jeremy.

So there you have it. Homophobia, it's time for you to retire. In the years that have passed since clinical psychologist George Weinberg coined you on that fateful day in 1965, we've shared laughs, we've shared tears, we've shared anti-you legislation. You've had a great run. But you're finished. Living with you has become a large pain in the ass.

A large, unprotected, pain in the ass.

It's time to retire, Homophobia.

Hugs & Kisses,
Ryan Shattuck

P.S. Say hello to the kids for me.