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Tracking Trannies

by Felicia
Tuesday Jan 22, 2008
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Question:
Dear Felicia,

I am a "straight" white boy, pretty good looking and I have a dilemma. I love certain things about women, but I also love certain things about men. I feel most comfortable sexually and socially with Transgender people, but I don’t know where to meet someone to spend time with. I am not just interested in a hook-up, I want to meet someone to hang out with and have fun with. Where can I meet someone special?

Yours,
Anonymous


Felicia’s Response
My Dear,

Transgendered people are like wildflowers: sew your seeds in fertile ground, plop yourself down and wait; you’ll be surrounded in no time. Of course, then you’ll have to do your weeding, since there really aren’t that many "straight" white boys who are pretty good looking and interested in transsexuals. In my experience (and I must disavow that terrible rumor about my having had a sex change operation in the 1980s; that was gossiped about thanks to my hairdresser Irma, who was merely coveting Ivan, the Cuban hottie I was dating at the time - Irma is no longer my hairdresser, of course, and Ivan was deported to Havana where he was last seen doing it with the stableboy in Falcon’s "Cubes with Pubes," a video I spent much of the 90s worshipping until Samantha, my eighteen-year-old tabby, peed on it in a moment of petulant irritation) most of the (real) men who lust after transgendered persons smoke profusely, are named "Bob," play an inordinate amount of billiards and lack no small number of social skills. That, of course, is a generalization, but I’ve tended towards those ever since Mitt Romney ascended from the Olympics to Politics and proved that in fact, all assholes are full of shit.

But I digress. The point, my love, is that if you’re able-bodied, under 40 and reasonably attractive when you step into a transgender hang, you’ll attract more attention than if you stripped naked, smeared your body with honey and entered a beehive.

I’m going to pause and ponder that mental image in detail for a few moments, if you don’t mind.

To be truly successful in your quest for transgender wedded bliss, however, please remember that the transition from female to male is terribly challenging both physically and emotionally for many - and that the transition from male to female even more so. There are some transgender folk who hang out in bars, and it should theoretically be easy to find them amongst the muscle boys, twinks, lipstick lesbians and bears; good luck nonetheless, especially since Irma Mae Pladnock opened her latest graduate course called, "Trans-metrosexual: How to go to a gay bar and dance like a muscle boy, show attitude like a twink, re-apply makeup like a lipstick lesbian, and scratch yourself like a bear," it’s been increasingly difficult to discern a transgendered person on sight. Moreover, if you’re as cute as you say you are, many twinks would tell you they’re trannies in order to get you in bed - and there’s nothing more distressing than finding a plug where a socket should be; just ask any electrician. You’ll want to be more creative.

My advice is to use the interweb; after all, just about everyone who’s anyone is on that contraption. And if I do say so myself, you missed a golden opportunity when you didn’t include your email address in your letter to me - after all, it did read like a personal ad. But you can either join the growing social network here on EDGE, or jump on Craig - apparently he has a list, and everyone is jumping on him to get on it. Or something like that.

But I’d recommend something shorter, and perhaps less - what’s the word - whiney? I know you’re interested in "hanging out and having fun" and not just sex, but let’s face it: these days, as my addiction counselor used to say, you have to feed your sexual needs to move into phase two of recovery, namely "communicating with your inner whore." But then, Counselor Argentina was a sixteen-year-old prostitute from Newark, and I was entirely unsure if I wrote that down correctly thanks to the slight speech impediment caused by her missing three front teeth. Regardless, try this on for size:

Straight white boy seeks transsexual for long walks on the beach. I’m 13" hung. Call me after 7pm at [insert your phone number here].

Try to post that on as many sites as you can - I’d start with the New York Times and work outward. I’m absolutely sure you’ll be up to your ass in responses in no time. True, they won’t all be trannies. But you should probably sleep with them anyway - just to be absolutely sure.

Kanoodling in Katmandu,
Felicia

Comments

  • Summer Splasher, 2010-07-05 13:09:04

    That was truly brilliant Felicia. Genius.


  • Anonymous, 2014-09-12 04:30:42

    Hi its Jason. I am 22 y.o. a 6" athletic guy looking to host a transgender at my house for aa dinner and a movie. E-mail me at Jahyost@aol.com to get to know me on skype.


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